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After having moved and lived in six different spaces over a period of 18 months during the Covid-19 pandemic my inner being felt scattered, evident in my ‘fight, flight, freeze’ response being incongruent with day to day reality. I found myself frozen and stuck inside with a desire to move forward and flourish. My external reality was inviting wild blossoming, yet inside I had an overwhelmed child needing stillness to land and integrate.
Constellation Therapy(Family & Systemic) spaces are my go to when I need emotional or psychological support from a professional. Inspired by Zulu wisdom and structural beliefs around family, Bert Hellinger developed this multi-dimensional group process to open the way towards healing unconscious family wounds and patterns developed at an early age. This type of therapy has ways of getting to the root of a problem where there is a wound that is calling and ready for attention. Unaddressed, wounds play out and amplify self-destructive behaviours eventually negatively affecting ones external reality. In my current case I had created a beautiful external life, after an extreme tumultuous period, yet I still had underlying grief needing space to process and release.
I was blessed and grateful to come across Jani Schneider (family, systemic, new and nature constellations therapist and more!). Her profoundly grounded presence and ability to sense into her body to assist me felt like an act of deep devotion. I entered the session (held via Zoom) wanting to work with and ‘melt’ my freeze response. With what felt like effortless ease, Jani helped me drop straight down from the noise of my analytical mind directly into my body and heart. Her compassion and care immediately melted me, while her curiosity towards my difficult emotions allowed expression and spaciousness for my inner child to be heard. My favourite part, where my entire being and inner child relaxed, is when she said that we don’t need to heal anything. Wow! What a relief. There’s so much messaging out there in the therapeutic world that creates pressure to heal, or a message that you’re incomplete if you don’t ‘heal’. The moment of healing often happens though when we’re not trying to pressurize ourselves into healing. Jani’s superpowers, presence and acceptance, created sweet moments of natural healing for my inner child.
A few months later I was fortunate to participate in an online constellation circle hosted by Jani, focusing on the topic of Love and Relating. It was humbling to vividly sense the common challenges that participants in the group faced. Again, there was no need to ‘fix’ anything but rather to co-create space to simply ‘be’ and invite supporting aspects to hold us. Jani’s calmness and sensitivity to subtle energy field/s opened up opportunity for ‘allowing’. Giving all aspects of ourselves ‘stage time’ to be acknowledged and seen. Working in a group in this way demonstrated the power of processing and healing in a collective space – highly effective!
I definitely recommend an individual or group constellation with Jani if you’re looking to shift your inner and outer world towards harmony, purpose, love & presence! The ripple effects of this magical energetic work reach far beyond our own understanding…possibly for several generations to come.

I highly recommend checking out more about Jani and her magic here: https://www.whispersofnature.co.za/

 

Following a spiritual tradition or path has become a  mainstream pursuit because we’re realizing that there is more than what meets the eye in our tangible reality. 

There are all sorts of paths to follow including a variety of yogic, light work, mystic, medicine and shamanic paths. It’s easy to urgently seek and reach for any path when internal chaos hits. I was this person in 2017. I consulted a reiki master, psychic’s, sangoma’s, tantric healers and embarked on a variety of cleansing journeys. Eventually I found myself following the kundalini yoga path as my foundational path, with openness to receiving gifts and healing from other paths in different ways. Through all of my seeking, experiences and observations, I have come to deeply acknowledge that it’s not about the path you follow, it’s about how deeply you can receive and embody the teachings. The teachings of which path? Any path where information and space is being given & taught with integrity. On any path, discernment is a necessity. Additionally, it is vital to recognise that all paths involve work on some level – consistently! There is no quick fix. Any true path will amplify your shadow and it’s easy to want to run when this happens. If you can continue showing up, the wisdom of the ages will begin to creep through the gunk – just like how the lotus flower grows in the mud.

To share a snippet of my journey with the Kundalini Yoga path, as taught by Yogi Bhajan: The teachings and practice are to some degree diluted. When I practice certain kriyas I feel that Yogi Bhajan really did make some of this stuff up as opposed to channeling it. But then again what is channeling – making stuff up or receiving a transmission? Essentially it could be either. The point is what I feel (not what I think) when I practice these kriyas and to what degree these practices are supporting me in living my truth and purpose in daily life. Moreover, having a 400 page textbook with broad Eastern teachings (to read, re-read and experience) and a deeply committed teacher made all the difference.

As we are beginning to embody more of the Aquarian age, we are given a larger range of options of how we can live our lives. I.E our destiny is not as set as it may have been in previous ages. With this comes the responsibility of creating our reality and not creating more karma for ourselves, each other and the planet – a little daunting if you contemplate this deeply.

To summarise, some important things to remember and ask yourself if you are feeling guided towards embarking on a specific spiritual path:

* You may feel a sense of urgency but you don’t need to rush – so don’t rush. Chaos can be addictive & seductive, and if you come from a traumatic background (as healers & shamans generally do), it’s important to note that this may be amplified as you’re stepping into your higher calling.

*If You are confused it’s a ‘No’ from spirit. Slow down. You may need to wait for more information.

* In light of the above – Remember that you are human and come with a personality. Your personality is not separate from your path so take baby steps towards understanding yourself and your journey. Seek support in this.

* You choose the ground that you stand on – do you want to approach your journey with chaos or stillness? Empower yourself and take steps towards this.

* Understand the essence of what spiritual tradition or path you’re walking on. Is it a path of Love, Warrior path, path of the adventurer or something else. Understand what the path is teaching. Is it teaching you to be a warrior or is it teaching you to control your mind? Is it a path of devotion & service? Is it a path of presence and no planning or is it a path of tight structure & control. It could be a combination path – which is sometimes the hardest.

 

For support on your journey, contact me via chelsey8.may@gmail.com

As I walked through the streets of Amsterdam at 4AM to take the train from central station, I noticed how the city really sleeps. A deep sense of peace and trust overwhelmed me. Amsterdam, a city flourishing with passion, I couldn’t help but fall in love with you. The romance seeps through your canals, the infrastructure: a Hollywood set comes to mind, ironically tickling all the real parts of me. A place where my thirst is always quenched. A sensual city where the water holds the space, the people. A place where spider webs are never broken.

As the train passes on a regular basis, it triggers a feeling of longing…of depression. An urgency to expand rips through me. All at once possibilities of my past lives emerge, combined with the whispers from the ancestors of the land and my own colourful mix of ancestors. I feel myself stretching wildly as all these feelings pour into me…through me. The song of my calling becomes louder as I let this energy flow through me. I feel myself opening and there is no turning back now.

A collection of ancestors gathers on this land…a connection not written about in history reveals itself to me. A connection before wars and power struggles infested the land. I sense an energetic harmony between Africa and Europe, before colonization came along. Africa is on this land. You need to know that. Something in this city works because a collection of souls channel magic into this land. I believe many are attracted to this land because of what it holds. Some ancestors are waiting to be collected or connected with by their descendants. Oh this land! Ancestordam!

My journey of stepping more into myself as a messenger and healer has been, and will continue to be a process to say the least. Besides the phases of denial and falling into trying to live a ‘normal’ life, I have also gone through many self-initiated detoxes and various cleanses (my own and with Sangomas and other healers). Recently, my journey guided me towards a Sacred Plant Medicine weekend retreat where I experienced the magic and reality of Ayahuasca, known as the Great Grandmother teacher and San Pedro, the Great Grandfather teacher – Let me tell you this medicine IS medicine, holistic medicine that seeps into the creeks and crevices of your body and psyche and slowly nudges, then rips them out! These teacher plants are medicine for the soul and definitely not to be taken lightly.

If you are unfamiliar or oblivious to these types of plant medicine, here is a short intro: “Ayahuasca is a brew made since ancient times consisting of two plants – Banisteriopsis Caapi and Psychotria Viridis – developed by certain tribes of the Amazon basin (Peru, Colombia, Ecuador and Brazil). It has always been taken within a spiritual and ritual context. The spirit of Ayahuasca is considered above all a teacher, which shows the participant his or her path and spiritual mission. It also has its own intelligence, and thus conveys wisdom, insight and spiritual truths, going beyond any limits or blockages the participant may have. It is often called ‘Mother Ayahuasca’, since it behaves in a maternal way: it can be beautiful, gentle and soothing, but if her “child” strays off the path of truth, Ayahuasca can be strict, instilling respect. The plant is also often associated with the Serpent – elegant, healing and wise, but lashing if provoked. The plant heals on physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels, and thus cannot be called a “drug”, since its intent is not for recreation or escape. San Pedro is a masculine plant. It establishes a powerful connection with nature. It is very good for focusing intention, learning to meditate, grounding, setting boundaries and channeling masculine energy. In a traditional context, San Pedro has been employed for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual healing, and as a way of ending a spate of bad luck. This clearly attests to the plant’s ability to shift the spiritual frequency of the participant to a higher level, changing the quality of his or her reality”**

One important thing about plant medicine journeys is that you need a mindful and experienced shaman to guide the process. It’s not advised to take these medicines in a recreational way or let any old random guide you through a plant medicine journey. I was blessed and privileged to be held and guided by an experienced and trained sacred plant medicine facilitator and shaman, Lukasz. The venue setup, atmosphere and vibe that Lukasz created allowed participants to surrender fully to their process. The conversations with Lukasz between the wild, surreal moments with the plants gave me with wisdom, guidance and grounding so that I could leave from my journey feeling clear.

The experience and the effect that the medicines had on me is better described in a flow of insight and story (in no particular sequence), rather than in logical sentences…so here goes:

Ayahuasca Friday 26 May 7:00PM – 12:00AM [4 Hour ceremony]

Having fasted since 14:30PM I am tired and hungry. Don’t feel many nerves at all. Have worked on arriving to Mother Ayahuasca without fear and rather with an attitude of openness and healing. Sitting on my mattress after drinking the first dose waiting for the medicine to take affect. The taste is bitter but I like it. After about 20 minutes I start to feel calm, lighter, a little high like I am in a deep meditation. My mind tries to pre-empt what the experience will be like. It decides that the process will be easy for me – it will feel like a meditation. I felt safe. I wonder why people get so nervous to take this medicine….I wonder…I wonder…SLLLLUUURPP…I am sucked into other ways of thinking…I am sucked into my thoughts…my thoughts start thinking…they become loud. It’s like conversations in my head from the morning are repeating themselves. I feel strange. My body becomes cold. I speak out loud, ‘I am cold…I am cold…’. The shaman gives me a blanket…I am still cold. I am freaking out. Seeing colours. 

San Pedro 27th May 9:30AM – 2:30PM/17:30PM [5 hours silence, a collective process and then food. Total 8 hours!]

Still feeling the effects of last night but in a much gentler way. Feeling a bit floaty and hungry. Didn’t eat last night and no food until later. The San Pedro tastes bitter too, a little harder to ingest than Ayahuasca. I sit on a chair. We are outside in the sun. I sit and I write. I converse with myself. I make sense of what happened last night. I was cleansing ancestral baggage. I was cleansing the pattern of so called mental issues through the ages. Some might call it schizophrenia…traditional shamans and healers call it deep insight. Deep insight that has been suppressed, turning into dis-ease. Either way, all this has been playing out in my body and mind. I am clearing the suppression of the past in the now. The work of cleansing began last night. The rest of the work comes today. A co-facilitator/shaman asks if I want another dose. I tell him I feel that I need him to answer that for me [needing others to make my own decisions, not owning my decisions?]. He tells me that I have started the work so I might as well continue. My mind can’t seem to make up its mind. Haha – Ironic. I feel my body getting up and going to get another dose. I spend a lot of my time on my yoga mat in the sun. I see a butterfly…I want to be light like a butterfly. I wonder if butterflies worry so much about where they land…I don’t think so. I go into the womb space. I feel myself writhing a lot like a snake shedding its skin. I feel like the medicine is working through stuff that I cannot really name. I realise that I am cleansing toxicity – something also connected to ancestral baggage. I want to purge this toxicity out of me but instead I spit. I spit throughout the day. Toxicity is something you can’t remove too quickly otherwise the body would go into shock. Little by little, toxicity (emotional, physical, and mental) has been removed from me throughout the last 4 years (where I believe my journey consciously started). I wonder about the toxicity of the world. I wonder how we live in such toxic ways. I wonder how to set clearer intentions in my life, how to be more decisive. I wonder why I question my impulses. I wonder how to plan and create stability while still being a free spirit. I see eyes…eyes in the trees, eyes in the rocks. Eyes in the ground, like the ground is a huge creature holding me and feeling my depth. I start to get tired of all this work happening in my body. The co-facilitator comes to help me. He places his hand on a part of my back and asks about what I am struggling with here…I say ‘I don’t know…confusion maybe?’. He responds, ‘Ah, are you addicted to confusion.’ I am silent. Feeling vulnerable. He walks away. I feel stunned. I feel the hugeness of his statement. I realise the areas of my life where I unconsciously create confusion. What does confusion give me? How does it serve me? Does it give me an excuse not to commit? Do I think that it gives me flexibility? 5 hours are up. We receive a bowl of fruit. This fruit tastes phenomenal. I see eyes in the fruit. I feel the juice of the fruit intensely. It’s amazing! We go inside for the final closing of the San Pedro journey. It’s the final clearing. I feel like I want to let go of what has been brought to the surface in my wise body. I start to see the image of the Tiger. I have felt close to the Tiger as a spirit animal guide but not this close. I realise that I hold a lot of power in connection to this animal. I also feel sadness because the independent Tiger can sometimes be misunderstood. I remember many times of being misunderstood in my power and shrinking back because of it. I realise the huge responsibility it takes to be powerful. To empower and not overpower and to resist the temptations that power can evoke. I have been avoiding my power. I have shrunk.

My ancestors come through in the most casual way. I am lying on my mattress inside now. The shaman is playing instruments and guiding us through deep breathing. My ancestors push me to step into my power…to reclaim my inner throne. To reclaim it from situations, from people and from them. They want me to sit in my power and not drag my ancestral baggage with me. They taunt me in the most loving way. They say ‘Get up, sit in your power’. I say in my mind ‘I will’. ‘Are you sure?’ they say. I feel strength pulsing through me. I cry. I sit up. I sit in my power. I feel open, uncomfortable. I say ‘Look, I am in my power’. They say, ‘Yes, but can you sit in it, can you stay in it. That is the hard part’. I feel the truth in this. I feel their support. I feel them tell me that this is part of my path – to guide others towards clearing their ancestral baggage. I feel tired. I feel like I have done so much work but a feeling of other level exhaustion waves over me as I come to terms with how much more work I have to do – this is just the start. The start of work on myself that is. We get into pairs. We spend some time eye gazing. My partner’s face morphs into beautiful shapes and patterns. They are sometimes scary. I see a variety of moments. I wonder about his power. I want to shrink back. I sit up and breathe. I sit up and connect. I see the many faces he carries. I see his fear, his love, his compassion, his rage. He smiles as he sees this in me too…and more…and less. The process ends. We eat, we laugh, we reflect. We breathe a sigh of relief at all the work we’ve done this weekend. This is just the beginning.

 **Information provided by Lukasz prior to the Sacred Plant Medicine Retreat.

Written 04 May 2017

Journeying towards the ocean through the rocky Transkei, I couldn’t help but be swallowed by the rawness of the land. Road tripping from the smoky hustle of Gauteng through the sunflower filled Free-state and finally reaching the green mountainous Eastern Cape, I was invited by the land to let go, surrender and breathe in the magic. A desire to ‘find God through the land’ pulsed through me at each turn, through every province’s unique offering.

Every rocky hill we curved with was populated with quirky goats and ancient wise looking cows. As we traveled and experienced different spaces I was filled with awe thinking about the ancestors of the land and my ancestors that have traveled across and inhabited different parts of the land. Of course white ancestry is controversial in South Africa, whites being bunched as colonisers. Obviously there is truth in this but there is also much more truth and wonderment that crossed my mind and heart throughout the journey. This was especially heightened as the purpose of this road trip was to scatter my Father’s ashes in the ocean near Plettenberg bay – my Father now being an ancestor to me. I tried to imagine how it was for people of the land to move around with big oxen and supplies – how much patience this involved. I wondered how people lived and how they made coffee (glad we didn’t have to try figure that out!). What relationship did the people have with the land and animals?

The day before scattering my Father’s ashes, a wave of heavy realisation swept over the family as the reality of the purpose of our trip sank in a little deeper. Death is an everyday thing, yet it never ceases to surprise us. Death for me doesn’t only invite in grief, it calls for expansion, vulnerability and even deeper connection to my own divinity. Sounds all lovely and cosmic but sometimes it’s bigger than the space within me, so it’s quite an uncomfortable stretch. Waking up on the morning of April 22nd was a relief as the day had finally come. My dad’s favourite colour was pink so I made sure to wear pink lipstick with my favourite purple head scarf, while my sister requested to wear one of my pink and white head scarves.

Arriving at the main beach in Plettenberg Bay I was propelled to breathe deeper and hold myself as waves of emotion began to rise. The time it took the sea rescue men to haul the rescue boat across the beach and into the ocean was indicative of the long struggle that my dad faced before he passed. Mixed feelings of anxiety and relief rippled through me as we finally made our way out to sea. I pondered on how many people’s ashes had been scattered in the ocean all over the world – eerie yet comforting. As my brave step mom emptied the ashes into the ocean, I was overcome with grief – grief from my Father’s absence in my childhood, grief from visiting him in the US just under a year ago and hoping that this was the beginning of many – yet knowing that this was the end… grief of losing him. The ashes were gone, the boat was on the way back and the tears still poured. A surge of happiness filled my heart as I noticed a yellow butterfly following the boat – his spirit was free. Knowing that I can connect to him through the ocean really gave meaning to the symbolism of water ancestors. Knowing that butterflies are not always ONLY butterflies evened out the pain of ‘being left behind’. Fly, fly butterfly…RIP Raymond Gordon Bester.

Written 10 December 2016

I recently watched a talk on YouTube by Dr Laurence Heller: An Introduction to the Neuro Affective Relational Model (NARM) for Healing Developmental Trauma *. In his detailed talk about the NARM model, somewhere along the line, he mentions something about ‘tolerating abundance’. He went on to say that various stunting or disturbances in a child’s development can make their relationship with abundance difficult in adulthood. I was completely wowed by this!

We all want abundance in our lives right? But to what extent can we actually tolerate it? If we are used to experiencing lack in our lives, how do we actually embrace abundance? This lack can translate into lack of love, not feeling safe in the world, lack of money, lack of depth or authenticity in our relationships, lack of stimulation of our talents and much more…err…lack. For those who struggle with tolerating abundance, like myself, we have a warped understanding of abundance. For us, abundance is like that rich Grandmother or family member who comes to town to spoil you during the holidays with anything that you want…and then leaves. Abundance is having treats in your fridge but eating them all in one go because they’re not usually there. Abundance is getting into an amazing relationship but sitting with the irksome feeling that this will end, so we dump all of our insecurities into the relationship forgetting about our strengths. Abundance is having more money at the end of month than month at the end of money, and spending it erratically or unconsciously. We feel deep down that we don’t deserve abundance and our understanding is that abundance ends, so we might as well speed up the process instead of enjoying the juicy fruits that abundance bears. We essentially end up sabotaging our abundant moments because deep down we feel that we don’t deserve it. There is an inherent belief that we have to struggle to get anything good in our lives and if there is no struggle, we feel uncomfortable because we have become comfortable with the struggle. In the world that we live in, it kind of makes sense that many people think like this. We have been taught that our potential for success is far away and probably unreachable or that only a minority of individuals are allowed to achieve success. With all the terrible things happening in the world, why should I be one of the ‘lucky ones’? I have come to learn that the above understanding that I have of abundance is totally skewed.  True abundance never really ends BUT abundance can actually overwhelm a person if they have not experienced it consistently.

When I receive something in abundance I initially find it hard to receive: I either feel guilty for having it, I slip into a pattern of self-sabotage or count down the days until this ‘abundance will be over’. I find myself in a catch 22 because I fear not having enough and subconsciously I fear the overwhelming energy when amazing things flow into my life. When I come face to face with my extraordinary talents and power I feel amazing…and then the fear and self-criticism kicks in with crappy thoughts like, ‘maybe I am not that great’ or ‘maybe I should tone down me to make others feel comfortable’. When this kind of thinking kicks in, I usually self-sabotage by over-eating or eating the wrong foods. My hunger becomes so real in these moments. The energy of abundance is so high that I can’t actually tolerate it and with enough food I will numb out. I loathe this pattern. Other people numb out with drugs, neediness and busy-ness for example. It’s funny, but usually we want to numb out to avoid negative emotions…the concept of numbing out to avoid the feeling of abundance…how bizarre right?

So what can we do about it? What can I do about it? I have been referring to ‘we’ a lot, assuming that others identify with this. To take ownership of my shit though, what can I do about this? I have many tools in my own self-healing tool box that range from meditation to yoga to writing to journalling. These generally work however, the one important factor that I feel will work in this case is time. Giving myself time to get used to the feeling of abundance and realizing that even in the perceived moments of lack, there is still abundance in other forms. Practicing gratitude and affirming that ‘I am confident and worthwhile’ and that ‘I deserve love, prosperity and success’ are some other tools that plant the seeds towards developing a healthy relationship with abundance.  Commitment is another biggie. Committing to this transition into consistent abundant living and believing that I belong in this world…even though there are wars, even though others are suffering, even though the planet is in an environmental crisis. What good will another self-sabotaging, self-depreciating victim do for this world? Feeling guilty for what you have and for living a beautiful life is another way that the unhealthy part of the ego manifests in order for us to feel relevant or better about ourselves. We think that we must feel that we belong in the struggle: so we complain, we over identify with opinions, we assume no opinions, we stay in our comfort zones and end up essentially feeding the pattern of lack. I must note here that abundance is not excess or entitlement…it is flow of your maximum potential. It is acknowledgement of your own personal power as a spiritual being. Imagine a world where we all embraced this. There would be no need for wars, crime or actions and beliefs that inflate our egos and put others down. The world might be a more authentic, balanced place. Who am I to think this? Who am I not to?

*An Introduction to the Neuro Affective Relational Model for Healing Developmental Trauma – Dr Laurence Heller https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPhasHMSyas

Written 31 January 2017

As a Tarot reader & facilitator (AKA Lover of symbols & their meanings), I am always noticing the metaphors and symbols around us that communicate our feelings and state of mind – I believe these to be messages from the divine. Depending on your spiritual orientation, divine can mean God, Angels, the Universe, Greater Awareness, Goddesses, Spiritual Guides and Ancestors that guide you. ‘Divine’can also refer to your higher self, your knowing self.

Have you ever noticed that when you’re in an unnecessarily foul mood you might see ‘foulness’ or ‘ugliness’ in your surroundings? Same goes for when you’re in a happy or joyous mood. The whole ‘like attracts like vibe’. Or, if you’re wondering what to do about a situation and somebody says something that speaks directly to your situation without referring to, or even knowing about it? These moments are symbolic messages demonstrating the divine support and guidance available to you. These messages might come across loud and clear, or subtly and gently. They might take shape as warnings, nudges or validation that you’re on the right track. I’d like to share a personal experience that demonstrates a simple example of communication from the divine:

A while back, I’d been in a space of wondering whether I’m “on purpose” and doing the “right” things to be on purpose – whatever “right” may be. I then experienced two moments on the same day that gave me some insight into these thoughts.  The first moment came about when I was driving to a meeting. As I was driving towards a set of lights in the left of two lanes, there was a T-junction. I was concerned about being in the “correct” lane. As I approached the lights, I realised that I needed to switch to the right lane to turn right (as I was in the left lane). I started to panic a bit as there was no opportunity for me to slip into the right lane, however, as I approached the traffic lights, the arrow on the road indicated that I could turn right in my left lane.  In that “small” moment I had an epiphany: no matter what lane I am in, the road will lead me to my destination.

The second moment was when I needed to use a public restroom later that day. As I approached the restrooms I saw two entrances without the usual “Lady” and “Gent” stick figures in sight. I couldn’t tell which one was the ladies entrance. I stood for a while trying to figure this out. I eventually chose the entrance to my right. Only when I entered did I see the two specified entrances for ladies and gents, so it didn’t make a difference which entrance I had chosen. In that moment I understood that my pursuit of trying to immaculately figure things out wasted time and energy…this was a very small decision, imagine the bigger decisions in life. My lesson and message from these two scenarios was that I need to keep going and not try to calculate everything to be the perfect move – rather just move with it. I’ll get there eventually.

What are the messages that you have received? Notice them today. Notice them now. The trick is not to over-analyse and to be in a state of mind to notice. You don’t have time to notice because you’re too busy? Aha! There’s even a message within your busyness: NOTICE the busyness and reflect on what ‘being busy’ symbolises to you? Are the things that are keeping you busy constructive or are you ‘busy doing nothing’? Are you distracting yourself or avoiding something? Does ‘being busy’ make you feel more important?